8 weeks 6 days

I write whilst stuck on the toilet for the fourth time tonight. Sorry if that’s too much. For some reason I thought everything about a second pregnancy would be easier but I may be sicker? Or maybe my memory repressed how bad pregnancy actually is (sorry to those TTC I understand it’s poor taste to whinge and I am grateful).

But I am suffering a bit. I have morning sickness 24/7 because of course it is not just a morning thing. I’ve only thrown up a couple of times but I just feel like I have a gross hangover all of the time. I have diarrhoea a lot. I’m really really tired and have had to stifle yawns a lot when I’m counselling sessions (I’m the counsellor so it’s really not okay). I feel emotional and irritable. Things make me sick, like the wall colour in the spare room at my parents house. I could sleep forever but with a two year old and being a single mum that’s not an option.

The baby is a raspberry according to one app. Tomorrow it’ll be another kind of fruit no doubt.

Very much counting down the days until the first trimester is over.

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my little cell cluster

This is more than a little late, but a week ago, I had a scan. I was expecting to see nothing as I had at this point in my pregnancy with little S which just made everything so stressful (and was the point where I was told I was not going to have a live baby). But after leaving home with a baby and my parents before 6am to make it on time, dealing with a toddler vomit in the car whilst have super sensitive sense of smell, initially meeting a receptionist who did seem to think I should be there, I got to see a baby. Or essentially a pulsating little cluster of cells, with a yolk and a good sized sac. My mum was with me. We were in and out of the sonographer’s room in a flash.

It was wonderful to know everything was okay and when I saw the doctor soon after she was happy with everything. This was a relief after the worrying call from the pregnancy nurse. Somehow I didn’t get really excited and still haven’t. I’m grateful, believe me, but I can’t settle with the idea that all could be okay. Probably won’t until I’m holding a baby! But a big part of me thinks I’ll get there.

getting there

I snuck across to the medical centre from work today to get my blood test. My boss wasn’t in and I wasn’t about to ask the manager of the service if I could go. Being a public holiday the next day I didn’t have any clients but the wait was longer than expected and I was starting to really worry that someone would call me and I’d have some explaining to do!

I couldn’t go to the fertility clinic for my test as I had to work and that four hour round trip was just not possible. I was told to expect the results on Wednesday with it being an outside pathology service and tomorrow being a public holiday. But I got my results around 4:30! My HCG levels are 549 so they are more than doubled from Saturday’s 230. It still doesn’t feel real but I do feel incredibly tired so I guess I have to admit it’s all going well for now.

Meanwhile wrangling a nearly two year old on your own while pregnant is something else. But I am really happy to be here and I tell myself, it doesn’t seem real, but I may actually be getting what I want (just like the Smiths song – but hopefully less self-pitying).

https://youtu.be/2nxQLJmshak

HCG – 230!

I went to Melbourne for my second blood test with my mum and little S. We took the train which I haven’t before (I’ve taken trains obviously I mean from our new house which is 40 mins from a train station). S was excited by the train ride. I think being unrestrained and having a good view of the scenery was the mainly what she enjoyed. We waited in the city so my mum could be with me when I got the call before she headed back to where she lives around an hour from Melbourne.

I got the call – HCG levels more than doubled from 94 to 230! So I am now in a much better range. I can’t feel too excited yet. I need to hear a heartbeat. Actually I probably need to feel labour pains to feel it’s real. But I am happy to get this far.

Inconclusive

I had a bad feeling with pregnancy symptoms being there but not super strong and faint lines on hpts that got darker but not dark enough. On beta day today my result was “inconclusive “. Over 150 hcg levels are a positive result and 5 and below negative but my levels are 94. So it’s another blood test on Saturday (and another four hour round trip) and it feels just like old times.

trying once for no 2

I’m 6dp5dt (I forget the acronyms now – last Monday was the transfer). My attempt for a sibling for little S involved IVF and PGD several months ago. I had one embryo that was appropriate for transfer of the two that survived the five days. I waited a while before transferring it so to make sure I was safely inside the timeline to get maternity leave.

I had a medicated FET with puregon then pregnyl for the trigger and a smaller dose of pregnyl the day before transfer and then three days later for luteal support. I did acupuncture before and after the transfer which was pretty uncomfortable but you have to do what you can I guess. Apparently it increases your chances by 65 per cent but my maths is terrible so not sure what that means for the 1 in 3 chance my doctor said I had.

On transfer day my mum and little one came with me for the two hour drive to Melbourne (which became almost three hours due to a traffic jam). Little S lent over the couch in the waiting room to stare out the window at the cars outside. When I went in a few things had changed in the procedure since three years ago. They did an ultrasound while doing the transfer.

The embryo had hatched. In my ignorance I asked if that was good. The doctor and nurse seemed pleased. I’m hoping. I’ve had some symptoms but who knows if that’s the pregnyl? I did a test a Thursday morning before my second pregnyl injection and there was a faint line but of course it could have been from the first shot. I have sore boobs, a little nausea and tiredness, a little emotional and did suddenly need to vomit one morning, but all of those things could be being-a-single-mum-with-a-toddler/ pregnyl.

Four more days until my beta 🤞

the two month wait

I never blog. This isn’t news. After a few feeble blog attempts I even forgot to update after IVF no 4.

The news was good. I have one normal embryo. When I transfer it I will have a 35-40 per cent chance of a pregnancy which is so much higher than past transfers. I came out of egg collection with two embryos for testing. The other embryo had a genetic abnormality (I can’t find my notes to recall what kind). Of course it would have been wonderful to have had two normal embryos because it leaves a lot riding on the one and only but I was really happy with this outcome.

Around the same time as I was doing IVF I had bought a house (which was so exciting and so stressful – and the pay off for a very long commute to a better paying job while living with my parents) and got a job in the town where we will be living. So I didn’t want to do the transfer straight away and miss out on getting maternity leave. If I am so lucky to get pregnant again this time I will have my life a little more sorted than it was when little S was welcomed into the world. Financially things were a bit tough back then which is what you might expect after doing IVF for two years. My parents and sister were incredibly generous and organised to move into my sister’s house where S and I could live downstairs in our own area so that I could afford to both have maternity leave and to save. The commute was two hours there and back some days so I would be away from little S for twelve hours which was hard although again my family was extremely generous and provided all the childcare. I am really lucky. At times, and often at the start, living with my family in my thirties, while sleep deprived, drove me nuts. I love my own space and I was extremely independent even as a young teenager. I never got to set up a nursery for S before we moved in because my sister had to wait for tenants to move out. And tenants had made a mess of the place and it was full of old furniture so that had to be deal with. She was the poor colicky, refluxy baby who never slept so I tried to unpack here and there between feeds and when I should have slept but it was basically a mess for a long time. It was all fine but it wasn’t what I had imagined. I want it to be different if I get another chance.

So we’ve made it through the hard times. I now have a gorgeous little nineteen month old who is determined, funny and the love of my life. She sleeps! Not every night and rarely past 6am but I can live with that. It’s harder being here on my own with family and friends about an hour and a half away in different directions. But it’s what I needed to be the one doing. My parents and sister were great and saved my life with all the support they provided but I often felt undermined as a parent.

So here we are living on our own in the country. We actually see kangaroos in the street which is so exciting for a city person. I actually nearly cried the first time I saw some giant ones hopping down the street as I was driving by. S is in childcare and family day care now and after many weeks she has adjusted and is attached to her carers now. My new job is a lower grade and different type of work but I don’t care because I leave on time and get to S less than ten minutes from when I finish.

I qualify for maternity leave one year after my start date at my new job (14/05/19) so I’ve calculated that I can do the transfer in early September so be safe. So now I have two months. I really need to stop eating so much chocolate (I eat serious amounts, I’m very tired, I think that’s it) and other crap and start getting healthy. Perhaps I’ll do some acupuncture. Maybe blogging about it will motivate me. Or I might forget to blog for another six months.

I hope you’re all well xo