my infertility

When I first started this blog, I thought I was writing my story and my advice on getting pregnant via IVF. The arrogance and the naivety now make me cringe. I soon realized that there was a world out there of TTC bloggers who seriously knew their stuff and also, in many cases, acutely understood the pain of infertility, pregnancy loss and other associated hardships. I didn’t expect to have those experiences; having never tested out my fertility with a cisgendered male partner. But after a few failures, I started to apply the word ‘infertility’ to myself. Tentatively though. I still felt like I didn’t have a right. My doctor kept saying, “it’s just about repetition”.

After two years, two IUIs, two IVF/ICSI cycles with seven transfers in total, all unsuccessful with one chemical pregnancy, my doctor told me last week that there are some real problems. I’m playing with the big kids now. I suffer from infertility. She said that of couples experiencing infertility, half would have achieved a pregnancy by this point, and another half would do in double the time. I came prepared with my questions, I scribbled her answers furiously, but still the appointment was an upsetting blur. “Probably genetically abnormal embryos”, “donor eggs would be the next step, but we’re not there yet”, “donor embryo list”, “at first we were worried about twins, now we just want to get you pregnant”, “IVF may just not work for you”, “PGD”.

I have one embryo left after my last cycle. It was a happy surprise; frozen on day six, after my doctor thought that I wouldn’t have any more after transferring two blastocysts on day five. But now with the prospect of genetically abnormal embryos, I realise that my one little day five guy may not be so good. For my next cycle I will have a change in medications (from Puregon to Menopur for stimming and from Endometrin to Pregnyl for the TWW) followed by PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis for those non-TTCers). My doctor said that by excluding genetically abnormal embryos I could have a 30-35 % chance of pregnancy (compared with 20-25 %) and my miscarriage risk will drop from 1 in 4 to 1 in 20.

The grief over being diagnosed with infertility and the potential that I may not ever be able to have my own biological child has been awful. The week before that the grief over my last BFN was terrible for days. One day I just sat on my couch and did not move. But I’m feeling better. I am looking forward to PGD giving me some answers. Maybe the new medication regime will help me get a greater number of embryos. I’m far from giving up, anyway. Tomorrow I see my doctor to sign consent forms for PGD, followed by a nursing and then a finances appointment (my clinic do like to waste my time with the last two appointments, I mean I’ve googled PGD and just charge it to my credit card like always).

I have some planning to do. Do I do another IVF/ICSI in December and save myself $500 because of the Medicare safety net (which expires at the end of the calendar year) or do I transfer my one last embryo that hasn’t been tested and won’t be because my doctor says it would cause too much damage now that it’s been frozen? I could save that embryo to transfer with another normal embryo if I ever do have one. December/ January would be ideal for a cycle with PGD (which requires an extra two weeks to test the embryos) given work may be a little quieter and I could take a few leave days without raising too much suspicion. Work are getting pretty annoyed about the unexplained sick leave although along the way I have mostly taken annual leave days to do the treatment. On the other hand, taking some time to get healthier and fitter might also be a good idea. I also want some time to research the hell out of everything that ever got infertile women pregnant. I got a script for CoQ10 and Melatonin from my doctor at the last visit.

In happier news, I took a little holiday with a friend this week to Daylesford/ Hepburn Springs (a little holiday area in country Victoria that is also extremely gay). We bushwalked, ate way too much, shopped and lazed around in the Japanese style guesthouse where we stayed. I give myself a B+ for self-care post a shitty couple of weeks (and years).